My Baby's Father

I want to be a father one day. And I envision my boyfriend to be my baby's other daddy. I see one strapped to my chest in one of those strappy things. I see the other child holding Tor's hand as we walk down the street. Or seeing both of them toddling along the beach in Bridgehampton.

How can I raise a child with someone who doesn't listen to me? Who doesn't ever want to get beneath the veneer of contentment to real intimacy and trust? I can only assume he doesn't want to be intimate with me or want to trust me with his life/love/daily happenings.

Unreasonable?

Is it too much that I want to do everything with my boyfriend? I want to see all movies with him; I want to see all plays with him; I want to go to all exhibits with him; I want to go to clubs and bars with him. And when he doesn't feel the same way AND neglects at the very least to inform me that he is going somewhere without me, I get so...so mad and sad and pathetic. Yes, it does get in the way of friend-making but he already has plenty of friends. And I feel sometimes used by him. Since he does have all those friends, he'll go out with them at his leisure. When there's no one else available, I'm just a phone call away, panting for the opportunity to be with him. I know this is possibly unreasonable but I don't think it's necessarily untrue.

Apartments

I hate that I have to call my tiny apartment my home.
I hate that I can't call my boyfriend's big apartment my home (too/instead?).

Happy New Year

I was not in control the last two days of 2006. I was alone (self imposed), holed up in my boyfriend's comfortable apartment while he was away. Despite the luxe surroundings, I did not love being here. First of all, I wish he was here. And when he is not here, I just don't feel good being here. I don't have nearly all of my things here that make it my home. Rightfully so I guess since it is not my home. I spend enough time here but I don't like lugging clothes, books, laptops, and papers here. I've even thought about bringing my laser printer over to work on my applications. It's not my boyfriend's fault I guess. If I liked my own apartment more, I would stay there and work out of that one. What am I complaining about anyway? Probably that I don't have a place of my own that I can call my own, that I'm proud of and can invest in (emotionally and financially).

So, I will take control in 2007. Unfortunately, there are several things that I can't control: business school acceptance, my boyfriend's reaction to things, the demands of my work. It doesn't sound very promising, does it?

Doesn't matter. I will make it work. Wish me luck.