3 am Rant
When I was helping Tor download some pictures of his parents from 50 years ago, I saw that he had a folder of pictures titled "tor 11-06" or something like that. From the thumbnails, I could see that they were pictures of him aiming the camera at a mirror with him topless. I was really upset at those pictures. I am assuming those were taken in November of 2006 based on the name of the folder. This is not too long ago. I hate that he never lets us be playful and let me see him naked or topless but he's willing to take pictures of himself and post it on gay.com or wherever for a world of strangers to see. He hates it when I point my camera at him but he's apparently more than willing to pose for fucking everyone else! I hate that we don't have sex. I'm almost always willing and he is not. It's a chore to ask because I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. He already avoids the subject, for whatever reasons. And whatever they are, he doesn't share them with me. I thought boyfriends share these things. Whether they are anxious reasons or not, I believe I ought to know. If at least so that I understand. He is apt to say that some things don't have to be said for me to know. What things don't have to be said for me to know? That he loves me? That he doesn't want to have sex with me ever?
Because of that, I didn't speak to him for a day. And of course, he doesn't call to ask why because he probably felt that he did his part when he asked soon after I saw those pictures. I didn't respond at the time. And now, at 3:24 am, I am blogging why.
Earlier this evening, I saw him at the ballet, which further upset me. He hurts so much sometimes. I, on the spur of the moment, bought myself one ticket to the ballet. I had wanted to do something this evening to prove that I don't need to be with him all the time. During intermission, I hurried out to the lobby to see if he'd called. It was 9 something at night. It would be over 36 hours since we spoke. I freely admit that counting hours since one has spoken to his boyfriend is juvenile but I did count and it does affect me. Anyway, he didn't call. I look up and there he is. Instead of being romantic, it felt awful. Because his presence meant that he didn't have the guts, the consideration to tell me where he was going, or even consider me in his plans. I've said this to him before: I don't need him to tell me where he's going because I want to be there. Yes, I like being with him and I want to be with him a lot, but I just want to know what he's doing because I want to know. I care to know. I care. He, on the other hand, doesn't. I exist for when he doesn't have better plans. I don't like feeling like that as a boyfriend. I consider him in all of my actions. I put him into my plans for graduate school. I put him into my plans when I schedule my work travel. I think about him all the time, in all facets of my life. I hope that it's not in an obsessive way. I think that's how one part of a couple should act towards the other.
What do I want? I want Tor to be a more communicative boyfriend. I don't want one who hides behind his WASP-y tendencies, his age, his tenderness at criticism, his sensitive artistic ego. If I do things you don't like, tell me. Make me a better person. If he cared at all, he would.
Because of that, I didn't speak to him for a day. And of course, he doesn't call to ask why because he probably felt that he did his part when he asked soon after I saw those pictures. I didn't respond at the time. And now, at 3:24 am, I am blogging why.
Earlier this evening, I saw him at the ballet, which further upset me. He hurts so much sometimes. I, on the spur of the moment, bought myself one ticket to the ballet. I had wanted to do something this evening to prove that I don't need to be with him all the time. During intermission, I hurried out to the lobby to see if he'd called. It was 9 something at night. It would be over 36 hours since we spoke. I freely admit that counting hours since one has spoken to his boyfriend is juvenile but I did count and it does affect me. Anyway, he didn't call. I look up and there he is. Instead of being romantic, it felt awful. Because his presence meant that he didn't have the guts, the consideration to tell me where he was going, or even consider me in his plans. I've said this to him before: I don't need him to tell me where he's going because I want to be there. Yes, I like being with him and I want to be with him a lot, but I just want to know what he's doing because I want to know. I care to know. I care. He, on the other hand, doesn't. I exist for when he doesn't have better plans. I don't like feeling like that as a boyfriend. I consider him in all of my actions. I put him into my plans for graduate school. I put him into my plans when I schedule my work travel. I think about him all the time, in all facets of my life. I hope that it's not in an obsessive way. I think that's how one part of a couple should act towards the other.
What do I want? I want Tor to be a more communicative boyfriend. I don't want one who hides behind his WASP-y tendencies, his age, his tenderness at criticism, his sensitive artistic ego. If I do things you don't like, tell me. Make me a better person. If he cared at all, he would.
posted by Joe at 12:19 AM
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