He is such an asshole sometimes.

3 am Rant

When I was helping Tor download some pictures of his parents from 50 years ago, I saw that he had a folder of pictures titled "tor 11-06" or something like that. From the thumbnails, I could see that they were pictures of him aiming the camera at a mirror with him topless. I was really upset at those pictures. I am assuming those were taken in November of 2006 based on the name of the folder. This is not too long ago. I hate that he never lets us be playful and let me see him naked or topless but he's willing to take pictures of himself and post it on gay.com or wherever for a world of strangers to see. He hates it when I point my camera at him but he's apparently more than willing to pose for fucking everyone else! I hate that we don't have sex. I'm almost always willing and he is not. It's a chore to ask because I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. He already avoids the subject, for whatever reasons. And whatever they are, he doesn't share them with me. I thought boyfriends share these things. Whether they are anxious reasons or not, I believe I ought to know. If at least so that I understand. He is apt to say that some things don't have to be said for me to know. What things don't have to be said for me to know? That he loves me? That he doesn't want to have sex with me ever?

Because of that, I didn't speak to him for a day. And of course, he doesn't call to ask why because he probably felt that he did his part when he asked soon after I saw those pictures. I didn't respond at the time. And now, at 3:24 am, I am blogging why.

Earlier this evening, I saw him at the ballet, which further upset me. He hurts so much sometimes. I, on the spur of the moment, bought myself one ticket to the ballet. I had wanted to do something this evening to prove that I don't need to be with him all the time. During intermission, I hurried out to the lobby to see if he'd called. It was 9 something at night. It would be over 36 hours since we spoke. I freely admit that counting hours since one has spoken to his boyfriend is juvenile but I did count and it does affect me. Anyway, he didn't call. I look up and there he is. Instead of being romantic, it felt awful. Because his presence meant that he didn't have the guts, the consideration to tell me where he was going, or even consider me in his plans. I've said this to him before: I don't need him to tell me where he's going because I want to be there. Yes, I like being with him and I want to be with him a lot, but I just want to know what he's doing because I want to know. I care to know. I care. He, on the other hand, doesn't. I exist for when he doesn't have better plans. I don't like feeling like that as a boyfriend. I consider him in all of my actions. I put him into my plans for graduate school. I put him into my plans when I schedule my work travel. I think about him all the time, in all facets of my life. I hope that it's not in an obsessive way. I think that's how one part of a couple should act towards the other.

What do I want? I want Tor to be a more communicative boyfriend. I don't want one who hides behind his WASP-y tendencies, his age, his tenderness at criticism, his sensitive artistic ego. If I do things you don't like, tell me. Make me a better person. If he cared at all, he would.

My Baby's Father

I want to be a father one day. And I envision my boyfriend to be my baby's other daddy. I see one strapped to my chest in one of those strappy things. I see the other child holding Tor's hand as we walk down the street. Or seeing both of them toddling along the beach in Bridgehampton.

How can I raise a child with someone who doesn't listen to me? Who doesn't ever want to get beneath the veneer of contentment to real intimacy and trust? I can only assume he doesn't want to be intimate with me or want to trust me with his life/love/daily happenings.

Unreasonable?

Is it too much that I want to do everything with my boyfriend? I want to see all movies with him; I want to see all plays with him; I want to go to all exhibits with him; I want to go to clubs and bars with him. And when he doesn't feel the same way AND neglects at the very least to inform me that he is going somewhere without me, I get so...so mad and sad and pathetic. Yes, it does get in the way of friend-making but he already has plenty of friends. And I feel sometimes used by him. Since he does have all those friends, he'll go out with them at his leisure. When there's no one else available, I'm just a phone call away, panting for the opportunity to be with him. I know this is possibly unreasonable but I don't think it's necessarily untrue.

Apartments

I hate that I have to call my tiny apartment my home.
I hate that I can't call my boyfriend's big apartment my home (too/instead?).

Happy New Year

I was not in control the last two days of 2006. I was alone (self imposed), holed up in my boyfriend's comfortable apartment while he was away. Despite the luxe surroundings, I did not love being here. First of all, I wish he was here. And when he is not here, I just don't feel good being here. I don't have nearly all of my things here that make it my home. Rightfully so I guess since it is not my home. I spend enough time here but I don't like lugging clothes, books, laptops, and papers here. I've even thought about bringing my laser printer over to work on my applications. It's not my boyfriend's fault I guess. If I liked my own apartment more, I would stay there and work out of that one. What am I complaining about anyway? Probably that I don't have a place of my own that I can call my own, that I'm proud of and can invest in (emotionally and financially).

So, I will take control in 2007. Unfortunately, there are several things that I can't control: business school acceptance, my boyfriend's reaction to things, the demands of my work. It doesn't sound very promising, does it?

Doesn't matter. I will make it work. Wish me luck.

New Year's Eve - Day

Things that scare me today:

Elder-Care Costs Deplete Savings of a Generation
* This NYTimes article isn't really talking about my generation but it'll apply to me soon enough. I'm scared of not having enough money to take care of myself, let alone my parents!
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/30/us/30support.html?em&ex=1167714000&en=211b645b8909de35&ei=5087%0A

Vows: Peter and Clifton
* These two men were featured in a short video segment in NYTimes.com about how they met, started dating and were now getting married. The video is interspersed heavily with still photos of them. I realized that I don't have any still photos of me and my boyfriend. Now we can't ever get married...or at least be featured in the Vows/Wedding Section of the New York Times.

That's it for now...more scary things to come today (it is New Year's Eve of course)


7:00 pm.
I made myself some dinner at his empty apartment -penne bolognese. Instead of sitting properly at the dining room table, I sat on the floor near the dining room table, turned the TV to face that direction, and ate. Without him here, I think that I don't feel as formal and revert back to how I would naturally eat at my own apartment (at my coffee table, watching television). If and when we move in together, what is going to happen? :)

Day 1

It's the day after Christmas. I have the day off from work. It's 5:00 pm. I have done nothing all day, especially since I woke up only 2 hours ago. I'm starting another blog because I want to log my thoughts (again).

I've realized I'm lazy. I have ambition but no drive behind it. That won't take me very far will it? Do I really want people to know this?

The name of this blog is "My Name is Joe." And like my name, this is a very pedestrian trivial name for a blog. But then again, I'm pretty pedestrian and trivial. I'm some Asian dude working a regular job on the computer more than I should.

Too lazy to write the other stuff I had intended when I created this blog 30 minutes ago.